My Perfect Candidate 2016

What I and America needs in the next president.

I want someone who cherishes family values and the right to life.  I’m not like Catholic crazy against birth control, but everyone needs to pay for their own birth control. And my candidate will get rid of that abortion factory Planned Parenthood. God alone should decide who has a baby. So if people want to screw around, then they have to take responsibility for their screwing. 

We need someone who’s willing to protect my rights to privacy as long as it doesn’t involve same sex copulation or anything more kinky than what makes sex exciting. It’s just plain silly to think gays, lesbians and whatever those other initials are, have a God given right to marriage.  I think those freaks just want the government benefits married people get.

And speaking of government benefits.  It’s time we really get tough on letting people just get a free ride.  Like I heard about a woman who drives a Mercedes Benz to the welfare office, and that just really pisses me off.

The perfect candidate will finally cut off benefits to all those freeloaders, so that we can bring the debt and deficit down without cutting defense related spending. I heard a guy on TV complain that the U.S. spends more on defense than the combined amount of the next top ten military spending nations in the world. Well so what? If that’s what it takes, then that’s what it takes.  We need to make sure we can protect our national interest and liberate countries with swift action so we can get those missions accomplished fast. I’d rather be poor than forced to pray to Allah.

There’s someone out there who cherishes our country and its natural beauty enough to courageously ignore those lying science guys who are always claiming we could be harming our own environment.  I flew over America once, and it’s really big. I can’t believe we could be hurting something so big with a light bulb or a little exhaust. And my candidate won’t waste any of my precious taxes on alternative energy sources so long as there’s plenty of oil and coal.

 

I want someone who is willing to restrict immigration to people who want to fit into my community. Certainly, not any non-English speakers or atheists or Muslims, or … Let’s just make it easy and limit immigration to Christians, preferably Protestants. Okay, maybe a few Jews if they are Israeli or holocaust survivors.

The right man will implement sufficient measures to ensure not even one person will be able cast a ballot without proper identification to prove he is who he says. Maybe he could have everybody take a test to prove they believe in the right things.  And speaking of IDs, this Man will ensure that I will NEVER need to carry a National Identification Card, because then the Government would know too much about me like where I live or vote. 

The next candidate will not spy on me except where it's good for America. Nor will he condone any international action that might shine an unfavorable light on my America, like torturing or starting stupid wars we can’t win.   Back door, black ops are okay just so long as we don’t get caught.

And I naturally want the Candidate to support my right to bear arms.  I want to be encouraged to openly carry any weapon capable of protecting my family against all threats real or imagined and not limiting the amount or type of ammunition.  I don’t want any run of the mill armor stopping me from stopping any threat --- dead in its tracks.

My candidate will also be dedicated to making government smaller.  For one thing, he will get rid of the IRS, EPA, and Department of education.  The IRS has shown they can’t be trusted, and the EPA has strangled business with all their environmental rules making it impossible for me to get the good job like my Daddy had at the paper mill.  And why is the federal government getting involved in a local issue like education.  I don’t like the government deciding what’s best for my kid. That’s a concern that should be left to parents, teachers and locally elected school boards.  We know what our kids need --- and more importantly don’t need like evolution and climate warming indoctrination.

I wouldn’t mind my candidate proposing a National Law requiring all children to recite the Pledge of Allegiance daily.  I think it’s the only way to guarantee that our schools are producing patriots. And while we’re at it, I don’t think we need to spend much time teaching about American history that didn’t work out too well – like Vietnam, slavery, support for dictatorships, etc.  I think that’s something else that should be left for parents to teach their kids.  Oh yea, and while we’re at it we need to make it a felony to deface an American flag.  And if we all wore red on Friday, we’d be able to tell who the real patriots are, but that shouldn’t be a law.  Just good advice to people who want to get along.

It’s real important that my candidate respects the US Constitution.  I want him to try and get rid of those radical organizations that are always hating on American values like the ACLU.  And if one of those old Supreme Court justices dies I want him to nominate and fight for a justice that thinks just like us.  Heck I wouldn’t mind if all them women were replaced.  They just don’t seem to think like a man does. Maybe my candidate can figure out a way to make that happen with an executive order or something.

In conclusion I want a President like the ones we used to have that kept America safe and made sure everyone had a good job and plenty to eat and didn't try to butt into my life except when I needed help.  Is that really too much to ask?

NOTE: I wanted to get the above posted on my blog before the next round of presidential candidates got started, but with Ted Cruz’s announcement yesterday, I didn’t quite make it.  And while Ted has talked to some of my concerns, I don’t think he will be my favorite candidate --- maybe a VP, though.